I made a graph using the KID’S ZONE section of the National Center for Education Statistics’ Website. The graph explains my various qualifications as an Amateur Scientist in 15 different disciplines. All of the slices of the pie are an equal 6.6% because I do not discriminate when it comes to science.
- 6.6% PALEONTOLOGIST- As I explained before, when I was little I was very into dinos. While I may only remember the worser part of 3 facts about the Paleozoic era I am left with a grave respect for these giant beasts. Like an old relative you are forced to visit in their old home that you love but you don’t know why, dinosaurs remain a similar part of my dusty fabric.
- 6.6% ORGANIC/ BIO CHEMIST - For fifteen years my father had an actual job as an actual Chemist in an actual Bio-Chemistry laboratory. He held this position until the time I was nine years old giving me plenty of time to deduct that I loved the cursive name embroidery on the scientists’ lab coats and that they could have chocolate milk and grill cheese sandwiches with pickles any time they wanted from the cafeteria which made them very lucky. Also I’ve been thinking about starting a compost outside my apartment.
- 6.6% SEISMOLOGIST- I live in Los Angeles and spend a considerable amount of time thinking about the apocalypse.
- 6.6% IMMUNOLOGIST- I’m really into the vitamin counter at Whole Foods.
- 6.6% ARCHAEOLOGIST - From 1989 to 1991 there was a large construction site located at the bottom of my street putting in a development of 8 or 11 houses. My mother would take me down to see the large trucks which I thought were actual dinosaurs. As I got older and less stupid I grew to love the trucks as much as the dinos making them my second favorite thing to wear on a t-shirt. My well intentioned but clearly neglectful mother would also let me wander the construction site enacting my own digging expeditions. In the process I found countless pieces of flaky formica and several bricks, which I believed belonged to the bottoms of streets in China. Thus my career as an Amateur Archeologist began.
- 6.6% ENTOMOLOGIST- I have no trouble trapping and or killing bugs.
- 6.6% GENETICIST - I like seeing how people’s babies turn out looks-wise.
- 6.6% BOTANIST - I was a gardener for one summer. This was truly just a thinly veiled excuse for the mom of a boy I was dating at the time to pay me to hang out with her. I filled her entire back yard with poppies that summer because I was really excited about moving to California. They all died within a month.
- 6.6% ASTROPHYSICIST - I live quite close to Griffith Park and have spoken to the scientists (glorified museum docents) who work there 3 separate times (mainly about the tesla coil they have there… like, me: “when are you going to turn on the tesla coil?,” and, me:“I was here last time and they turned on the lightning machine for me, can you do that?” docent: “You mean the Tesla Coil?” me: “Yes.” docent: “No.”).
- 6.6% MARINE BIOLOGIST - I learned to swim in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Maine and I am really good at floating on my back.
- 6.6% ANTHROPOLOGIST- I am an actor and a bartender so it is my job to observe the human experience. Also I own several dresses from Anthropologie.
- 6.6% GEOGRAPHER - I take a lot of road trips with my boy friend.
- 6.6% CRIMINOLOGIST - There is a good chance that I could play a cop on TV some day due to the strong bone structure of my face.
- 6.6% METEOROLOGIST - Again, I live near the Griffith Park Observatory so I can like, go there and use their telescopes like, any time.
- 1% LEPIDOPTERIST (not pictured because I just thought of it)- My mom has a whole butterfly unit she does with her second grade class and has told me about it.
There are many other reasons why I qualify to be an Amateur Scientist like I’ve been to a ton of museums and I listen to a lot of Radio Lab. If the fact that I know how to make a pie graph doesn’t convince you though, then I don’t know what will.